So, this is a very personal post, really my first one so far.
At the beginning of May, I found out that I was pregnant - a surprise pregnancy that I wasn't sure how I felt about it. We have 4 boys, and 4 is a number that just feels right and 5, well, I always said 5 was excessive. But here we are - 14 weeks pregnant, a beautiful ultrasound under our belts - well, under mine, really, dh just got to watch the screen :) And, I haven't even told everyone... I don't know why, and I am afraid that what I feel is shame. Shame for having moved outside the realm of a large sized normal family and into the realm of bizarre. Shame that somehow this means that I wasn't capable of only becoming pregnant on my schedule. And that weighs me down, that this upcoming addition somehow feels like a subtraction. I am acutely aware that it shouldn't be this way, that I shouldn't feel like this - and, well, it hurts that I do. And then I feel that maybe I am simply still in shock.
I remember commenting to a friend that Canadian culture, and, likely that of most first world countries, is uncomfortable with the idea of children - that there are so many rules and limits - that remaining in the "nuclear" set is integral to remaining in good society. Talking to mothers who have extended their brood beyond four, it was interesting to hear their stories. One mother talked of announcing the news of her pregnancy to her friends and family, and receiving a backlash of anger and condescension. Another mother told me of a friend who was caught by surprise with a 6th pregnancy, and the friends would gossip behind her back as to whether she had heard of an abortion... These stories instill a sense of fear in me, as I procrastinate the big announcement.
However, my forays into telling people have only been met with positives. My husband, who was certainly not planning a 5th has been nothing but supportive. My mother in law and all my in laws have been excited for me. The kids, well, they are in a tizzy and absolutely over the moon with the news of a 5th baby. My mom has been excited for me, and so have any friends that I shared my news with. I have truly been spoiled with the good response so far... yet I still have not officially made the announcement.
So, here goes...
Our little (5th) bundle should arrive the 25th of January - apparently, again I have hit the birthday of a friend with my due date - the third time this has happened. The first ultrasound went beautifully, our baby measured perfectly for dates, and had a heartbeat of 150 (according to the old wives tale, this predicts another boy). We are going to find out the sex - not every family likes to do this - but we like having the name all picked and refer to the squirming belly with an actual name... Plus, I am not a fan of green and yellow...
The plan, as it stands, is for another home birth (though, of course, I am aware that things can always change), and I have already had one midwife appointment (at 9 weeks - the doppler picked up a nice, strong heartbeat), and go for another today.